Our birth story
I'm finally doing it. This blog - my thoughts as often as I can get a chance to get them down. It may be a bit late, a bit all over the place, but this is me.
...and my zen baby.
I'll start with the time I met him. Finnegan Christopher Bowron was born December 27th, 2016 at 9:57 pm. Not so easy...but OH SO WORTH IT ALL!!!
On Monday, December 26th, Grandma Alice (my mother) and I decided to grab a bite to eat at a local Irish pub. I got a burger and some house made chips while I salivated over mom's beer. It was pretty uneventful besides me having a new sort of sensation in my lower back. I was having new pains and aches everyday, so this wasn't anything to be too surprised by. Once we go back to my house we (I) of course took a nap. As I woke I stood up to use the bathroom and I felt a bit more than normal discharge occur (sorry, but this post will be full of TMI). I shuffled to the bathroom and as I sat down there was a new sensation. It felt like I was peeing, but didn't feel like I was peeing. Hmmm....I yelled to mom,
So, as I try to describe what is happening, we just conclude it may be nothing as my due date was the next day (27th) and I've been told over and over that - "this baby isn't coming until January" - and "we should just keep an eye on it." I called my doula, Eve, just to be sure to update her and she said this may be the beginning of labor, but could also go on for weeks. She told me to relax and go about my days, but to keep her informed of anything else/new. I went to bed that evening around 10.
I laid in bed for about 5 minutes and that's when it started. The pain. When people ask what it felt like I tell them it's like really bad gas pains in your gut. Have you ever had too much Taco Bell in college then went straight to bed only to be woken up by extremely sharp pains....down there?? Yeah. That's pretty close to what I was feeling. I shot out of bed and went to the bathroom, thinking the burger earlier maybe wasn't the best idea. After a few minutes they went away. Nothing had happened, so I went back into my room and sat on my Pilates ball and bounced (there was no way I was able to lay down again). I bounced and bounced then I felt those gas pains again. I stood up and just walked around my room. They went away again so I bounced again. This happened a few more times before they pains started to get a bit more intense and I started pacing from my kitchen to my bathroom and back. Over and over. I live in an old house and I didn't want to wake my mother up who was sleeping on the couch so I started to pace in my bathroom with the door shut. Mind you it's not a LARGE bathroom. I'm sure it was pretty comical in hind sight.
After about an hour of this they started to get a bit more intense and I then didn't have any regard to noise or really anything and started pacing the kitchen again. Mom woke up and came into the kitchen and asked, "What are you doing??!!" Still pacing, I said, "I don't know what's going on, but something is happening. It's so painful." She then went straight to work making coffee, getting food ready, getting herself all dressed - she was in GO MODE! I was timing my "pains" on a contraction app on my phone and they were on for about a minute, about 5 minutes apart. My mother asked if I wanted to call my doula, Eve. I said yes. Mom called Eve and she got over to the house pretty quick. It was about 1a at that point.
Once Eve arrived I feel like it was a bit of a blur. I was now walking/pacing the entire house. She was offering me food - I tried to eat a bit but was so distracted by the pain that I couldn't keep anything down. Not even my beloved water I had become so attached to over that last 9 months!
After a bit (I really had no concept of time - I think it was a few hours), my mom asked if I wanted to call the midwife. I may have said yes before she even finished the sentence. Once the midwife got on the phone - Tasha, one of my favorites of all that I saw prenatally at the birth center - and asked me a series of questions. This was all to determine the intensity of my contractions. I may have fibbed a bit and was a bit dramatic with the breathing. I REALLY wanted to get out of there and to the Birth Center (don't judge!!). I handed the phone back to mom and when she hung up she said, "ok, let's go. She's meeting us there."
Within what seemed like seconds I was dressed and in the car! My mother (the angel) had gotten everything packed and ready and car started. THANK GOD it was 3am with no other cars on the road - my mother was a bit nervous driving in the city. Eve got in her car and followed us there. I was a bit anxious to get in the car, as motion had been my security blanket up until this point and sitting for even a minute scared me. It was ok though. Before I knew it we were at the Birth Center. I must have been distracted just enough in the car to not even think about it.
We ended up beating the midwife to the birth center, so I got out and paced the parking lot in the freezing cold. I couldn't stop moving. I wasn't quite sure what would happen if I did.
Once Tasha arrived it was go time - or so I thought! We got everything inside and Tasha started getting the room ready. Eve and I walked the halls until Tasha then joined us and said we can use the entire center if we like. I walked the stairs, did lunges on the stairs and up in the hall upstairs. I paced EVERYWHERE. I felt like I was waiting for something. I know they had just said they were getting the tub ready, but it felt like I was waiting for more to happen. Maybe because the lights were off and it was obviously the middle of the night, there was some thought that I had to wait for day. I'm not quite sure. I never really felt right there though. I never really felt at home.
Tasha then asked if I wanted to get into the tub - I got really scared. Again, I thought if I stopped moving, I would be in more pain than I am already in. This is when I started going inward. This was part of my birth plan. This is ok. This is what you want. So I got in the tub. It was glorious!!! I wasn't sure exactly how to position myself, but once I got settled it was great. I knew this is where I wanted to be. Contractions would come and go and I would feel the pain, but I wasn't as scared as I was before. I was going to have my baby in this tub. Then Tasha said it was time to get out. UUMMM WHAT?! no. I refused. She then told me I had been in there for over an hour and a half and it was time to try something else. We can always get back into the tub. As I got out they also asked if I wanted some Nitrous. I of course said yes. BRING IT ON. I then proceeded to suck that down like it was going out of style. I then got dressed and paced again. I was up and down off the toilet in and out of the room, down the hall, I was everywhere - again, hesitant to stop moving again.
They then told me a new midwife was coming in. It was almost 8a and Tasha's shift was over and Kaitlin was coming in. I was ecstatic. I LOVED KAITLIN. During our prenatal visits we got along the best. She had the same sense of humor as me (very dry and borderline inappropriate). She was going to be with me for the rest of the day. She eventually saw how much pain I was in and how exhausted I was and asked if I wanted to go next door to Abbot (the Mother Baby Center at the Hospital). I said NO WAY. I wanted to do this here, naturally, but could she check me to see how far dilated I was. I was 7/8 cm and it seemed as though the baby was stuck on my pelvis. I definitely didn't want to go then - he was so close! We then tried a few things on the bed with Eve. Moves with different pillows, scarves, stretches, nothing was working. I was in and out of the tub and on my 3rd tank of nitrous. This is when I stared to hallucinate. I thought there were more people in the room than were actually there. I kept passing out. I felt like I couldn't breathe properly, and I was so exhausted. Around 10:30/11 Kaitlin "asked" again. "Jen, I think we need to think about going to the hospital. I'll be there with you the whole time" I asked her to check again thinking it had been a few hours, there HAD to have been some progress. I was still at 7/8 and he was still stuck. This is when I said...."ok, let's go. I need help."
As everyone was getting things together, I had a talk with baby. I told him I loved him and that Mama was ready to see him. I told him I have SO much love waiting for him when he came out and how much fun we are going to have. I told him I wanted to have him at the Birth Center like we planned, but if he thought it would be best to go to the hospital then we will. That's when I pushed the hardest I could with everything I had. He wasn't budging. So, to the hospital we went.
Mom packed up the car so fast I was so confused - did we have everything? How did I get dressed? It all happened so quickly. Eve hopped in the car (Kaitlin was meeting us over there) and away we went - across the street. Yes, we had to drive. I was soaking wet, it was 30 degrees out and we had to move the car! AAHHH! Eve and I went in as mom parked the car. We got in and all signed up and got to a private room pretty quickly. When we got into the room though it felt like forever for anyone to get in there to help with an epidural. I was really trying my hardest not to be rude to anyone, there was a lot of, "WHERE IS IT?? HURRY UUUUPPP!!!.....please...thank you!" I was really trying. Then the anesthesiologist came in (I later called him the "Magic Man") and everything felt like it slowed down. My whole world. I could finally breath again. My vision cleared - the fog lifted. I laid in bed and exhaled and closed my eyes. It was 2p Tuesday 27th. My due date.
One of the things I made sure to discuss with the nurses was my birth plan. I wanted delayed cord clamping, I wanted him laid on me, skin to skin immediately and for as long as I wanted, and I didn't want him to leave the room without me AT ALL. Kaitlin jumped in and made sure my birth plan will be in tact and that everything will be as planned - just a bit of a location change is all.
We then just hung out for a while. I napped (tried to) and everyone else either grabbed lunch or coffee, mom made some phone calls - we Skyped my sister in Las Vegas! It was great, except where is this baby??? I was so confused. I thought we were going to come over here and have a baby?! Everyone seemed too relaxed and no one was talking about it. Me and baby were hooked up to all these machines so all I could do is watch the contractions happen on a little screen. I knew things were still going, I just didn't know what my roll would be at this point? I asked Kaitlin and the nurse what the plan was. Are we going to have a baby today? How much longer? I think I was getting a bit anxious to not only get this over with, but I so badly wanted to meet my little guy. Kaitlin said as soon as I felt like I needed or could poop - that was go time. "Well, Kaitlin...I feel nothing! How am I supposed to feel that if I feel nothing??" She said I'll feel it. So another few hours went by and I started to get really nervous. So I lied again. I told Kaitlin I could feel it. It felt like I could poop (I still felt nothing).
She went down and checked and said, "Ok, let's do this then." I stared to push a little and then all of a sudden the pain came rushing back - worse than before. It was incredible. It was so intense there really are no words to describe it. (In hindsight they think the epidural was put in incorrectly, therefore I was feeling all the pain that should have been masked by the meds. They kept having to come in to give me "boosts" but nothing worked. I guess I had my unmedicated birth as planned?!) This is where I "Hulked out" a bit. I apologized profusely after, but yeah I kinda went out of body. I got to a point where I really thought I couldn't do it. I was holding my moms hand, Eve and the nurse were holding my legs, and Kaitlin was in catching position. I felt like I was literally pushing out a bowling ball from my anus. I'm not kidding. It was pretty intense. Mom said (after, of course) that his head kept coming out then going back in. Yeah, ouch. The words of encouragement from Eve and the nurse were very nice, but I wanted to strangle both of them by the end. SHUT UP. ugh. Again, there was a lot of apologizing after.
Kaitlin kept me nice and solid. She helped me with my breathing and got me to calm down. Then she said, "ok Jen, one. big. push. ready??" Then I pushed with ALLLL MYYY MIIIGHTTTT and he came out! Oh my god. Oh my god. The feeling of relief both physically and emotionally was so heavy at that moment I went into shock almost instantly. She handed him to me and I wasn't sure exactly what to feel. I was so exhausted and finally not in pain, but also so in love already.
I instantly felt like a mother.
It all felt so perfect and so right and so obvious that I wasn't sure how to react. I was concerned that he wasn't crying - they reassured me it was just fine (he still doesn't cry very often at all!).
MOMENTS I'LL NEVER FORGET:
...and my zen baby.
I'll start with the time I met him. Finnegan Christopher Bowron was born December 27th, 2016 at 9:57 pm. Not so easy...but OH SO WORTH IT ALL!!!
On Monday, December 26th, Grandma Alice (my mother) and I decided to grab a bite to eat at a local Irish pub. I got a burger and some house made chips while I salivated over mom's beer. It was pretty uneventful besides me having a new sort of sensation in my lower back. I was having new pains and aches everyday, so this wasn't anything to be too surprised by. Once we go back to my house we (I) of course took a nap. As I woke I stood up to use the bathroom and I felt a bit more than normal discharge occur (sorry, but this post will be full of TMI). I shuffled to the bathroom and as I sat down there was a new sensation. It felt like I was peeing, but didn't feel like I was peeing. Hmmm....I yelled to mom,
"OK...SOMETHING'S HAPPENING?!!"
So, as I try to describe what is happening, we just conclude it may be nothing as my due date was the next day (27th) and I've been told over and over that - "this baby isn't coming until January" - and "we should just keep an eye on it." I called my doula, Eve, just to be sure to update her and she said this may be the beginning of labor, but could also go on for weeks. She told me to relax and go about my days, but to keep her informed of anything else/new. I went to bed that evening around 10.
I laid in bed for about 5 minutes and that's when it started. The pain. When people ask what it felt like I tell them it's like really bad gas pains in your gut. Have you ever had too much Taco Bell in college then went straight to bed only to be woken up by extremely sharp pains....down there?? Yeah. That's pretty close to what I was feeling. I shot out of bed and went to the bathroom, thinking the burger earlier maybe wasn't the best idea. After a few minutes they went away. Nothing had happened, so I went back into my room and sat on my Pilates ball and bounced (there was no way I was able to lay down again). I bounced and bounced then I felt those gas pains again. I stood up and just walked around my room. They went away again so I bounced again. This happened a few more times before they pains started to get a bit more intense and I started pacing from my kitchen to my bathroom and back. Over and over. I live in an old house and I didn't want to wake my mother up who was sleeping on the couch so I started to pace in my bathroom with the door shut. Mind you it's not a LARGE bathroom. I'm sure it was pretty comical in hind sight.
After about an hour of this they started to get a bit more intense and I then didn't have any regard to noise or really anything and started pacing the kitchen again. Mom woke up and came into the kitchen and asked, "What are you doing??!!" Still pacing, I said, "I don't know what's going on, but something is happening. It's so painful." She then went straight to work making coffee, getting food ready, getting herself all dressed - she was in GO MODE! I was timing my "pains" on a contraction app on my phone and they were on for about a minute, about 5 minutes apart. My mother asked if I wanted to call my doula, Eve. I said yes. Mom called Eve and she got over to the house pretty quick. It was about 1a at that point.
Once Eve arrived I feel like it was a bit of a blur. I was now walking/pacing the entire house. She was offering me food - I tried to eat a bit but was so distracted by the pain that I couldn't keep anything down. Not even my beloved water I had become so attached to over that last 9 months!
After a bit (I really had no concept of time - I think it was a few hours), my mom asked if I wanted to call the midwife. I may have said yes before she even finished the sentence. Once the midwife got on the phone - Tasha, one of my favorites of all that I saw prenatally at the birth center - and asked me a series of questions. This was all to determine the intensity of my contractions. I may have fibbed a bit and was a bit dramatic with the breathing. I REALLY wanted to get out of there and to the Birth Center (don't judge!!). I handed the phone back to mom and when she hung up she said, "ok, let's go. She's meeting us there."
Within what seemed like seconds I was dressed and in the car! My mother (the angel) had gotten everything packed and ready and car started. THANK GOD it was 3am with no other cars on the road - my mother was a bit nervous driving in the city. Eve got in her car and followed us there. I was a bit anxious to get in the car, as motion had been my security blanket up until this point and sitting for even a minute scared me. It was ok though. Before I knew it we were at the Birth Center. I must have been distracted just enough in the car to not even think about it.
We ended up beating the midwife to the birth center, so I got out and paced the parking lot in the freezing cold. I couldn't stop moving. I wasn't quite sure what would happen if I did.
Once Tasha arrived it was go time - or so I thought! We got everything inside and Tasha started getting the room ready. Eve and I walked the halls until Tasha then joined us and said we can use the entire center if we like. I walked the stairs, did lunges on the stairs and up in the hall upstairs. I paced EVERYWHERE. I felt like I was waiting for something. I know they had just said they were getting the tub ready, but it felt like I was waiting for more to happen. Maybe because the lights were off and it was obviously the middle of the night, there was some thought that I had to wait for day. I'm not quite sure. I never really felt right there though. I never really felt at home.
Tasha then asked if I wanted to get into the tub - I got really scared. Again, I thought if I stopped moving, I would be in more pain than I am already in. This is when I started going inward. This was part of my birth plan. This is ok. This is what you want. So I got in the tub. It was glorious!!! I wasn't sure exactly how to position myself, but once I got settled it was great. I knew this is where I wanted to be. Contractions would come and go and I would feel the pain, but I wasn't as scared as I was before. I was going to have my baby in this tub. Then Tasha said it was time to get out. UUMMM WHAT?! no. I refused. She then told me I had been in there for over an hour and a half and it was time to try something else. We can always get back into the tub. As I got out they also asked if I wanted some Nitrous. I of course said yes. BRING IT ON. I then proceeded to suck that down like it was going out of style. I then got dressed and paced again. I was up and down off the toilet in and out of the room, down the hall, I was everywhere - again, hesitant to stop moving again.
They then told me a new midwife was coming in. It was almost 8a and Tasha's shift was over and Kaitlin was coming in. I was ecstatic. I LOVED KAITLIN. During our prenatal visits we got along the best. She had the same sense of humor as me (very dry and borderline inappropriate). She was going to be with me for the rest of the day. She eventually saw how much pain I was in and how exhausted I was and asked if I wanted to go next door to Abbot (the Mother Baby Center at the Hospital). I said NO WAY. I wanted to do this here, naturally, but could she check me to see how far dilated I was. I was 7/8 cm and it seemed as though the baby was stuck on my pelvis. I definitely didn't want to go then - he was so close! We then tried a few things on the bed with Eve. Moves with different pillows, scarves, stretches, nothing was working. I was in and out of the tub and on my 3rd tank of nitrous. This is when I stared to hallucinate. I thought there were more people in the room than were actually there. I kept passing out. I felt like I couldn't breathe properly, and I was so exhausted. Around 10:30/11 Kaitlin "asked" again. "Jen, I think we need to think about going to the hospital. I'll be there with you the whole time" I asked her to check again thinking it had been a few hours, there HAD to have been some progress. I was still at 7/8 and he was still stuck. This is when I said...."ok, let's go. I need help."
As everyone was getting things together, I had a talk with baby. I told him I loved him and that Mama was ready to see him. I told him I have SO much love waiting for him when he came out and how much fun we are going to have. I told him I wanted to have him at the Birth Center like we planned, but if he thought it would be best to go to the hospital then we will. That's when I pushed the hardest I could with everything I had. He wasn't budging. So, to the hospital we went.
Mom packed up the car so fast I was so confused - did we have everything? How did I get dressed? It all happened so quickly. Eve hopped in the car (Kaitlin was meeting us over there) and away we went - across the street. Yes, we had to drive. I was soaking wet, it was 30 degrees out and we had to move the car! AAHHH! Eve and I went in as mom parked the car. We got in and all signed up and got to a private room pretty quickly. When we got into the room though it felt like forever for anyone to get in there to help with an epidural. I was really trying my hardest not to be rude to anyone, there was a lot of, "WHERE IS IT?? HURRY UUUUPPP!!!.....please...thank you!" I was really trying. Then the anesthesiologist came in (I later called him the "Magic Man") and everything felt like it slowed down. My whole world. I could finally breath again. My vision cleared - the fog lifted. I laid in bed and exhaled and closed my eyes. It was 2p Tuesday 27th. My due date.
One of the things I made sure to discuss with the nurses was my birth plan. I wanted delayed cord clamping, I wanted him laid on me, skin to skin immediately and for as long as I wanted, and I didn't want him to leave the room without me AT ALL. Kaitlin jumped in and made sure my birth plan will be in tact and that everything will be as planned - just a bit of a location change is all.
We then just hung out for a while. I napped (tried to) and everyone else either grabbed lunch or coffee, mom made some phone calls - we Skyped my sister in Las Vegas! It was great, except where is this baby??? I was so confused. I thought we were going to come over here and have a baby?! Everyone seemed too relaxed and no one was talking about it. Me and baby were hooked up to all these machines so all I could do is watch the contractions happen on a little screen. I knew things were still going, I just didn't know what my roll would be at this point? I asked Kaitlin and the nurse what the plan was. Are we going to have a baby today? How much longer? I think I was getting a bit anxious to not only get this over with, but I so badly wanted to meet my little guy. Kaitlin said as soon as I felt like I needed or could poop - that was go time. "Well, Kaitlin...I feel nothing! How am I supposed to feel that if I feel nothing??" She said I'll feel it. So another few hours went by and I started to get really nervous. So I lied again. I told Kaitlin I could feel it. It felt like I could poop (I still felt nothing).
She went down and checked and said, "Ok, let's do this then." I stared to push a little and then all of a sudden the pain came rushing back - worse than before. It was incredible. It was so intense there really are no words to describe it. (In hindsight they think the epidural was put in incorrectly, therefore I was feeling all the pain that should have been masked by the meds. They kept having to come in to give me "boosts" but nothing worked. I guess I had my unmedicated birth as planned?!) This is where I "Hulked out" a bit. I apologized profusely after, but yeah I kinda went out of body. I got to a point where I really thought I couldn't do it. I was holding my moms hand, Eve and the nurse were holding my legs, and Kaitlin was in catching position. I felt like I was literally pushing out a bowling ball from my anus. I'm not kidding. It was pretty intense. Mom said (after, of course) that his head kept coming out then going back in. Yeah, ouch. The words of encouragement from Eve and the nurse were very nice, but I wanted to strangle both of them by the end. SHUT UP. ugh. Again, there was a lot of apologizing after.
Kaitlin kept me nice and solid. She helped me with my breathing and got me to calm down. Then she said, "ok Jen, one. big. push. ready??" Then I pushed with ALLLL MYYY MIIIGHTTTT and he came out! Oh my god. Oh my god. The feeling of relief both physically and emotionally was so heavy at that moment I went into shock almost instantly. She handed him to me and I wasn't sure exactly what to feel. I was so exhausted and finally not in pain, but also so in love already.
I instantly felt like a mother.
It all felt so perfect and so right and so obvious that I wasn't sure how to react. I was concerned that he wasn't crying - they reassured me it was just fine (he still doesn't cry very often at all!).
MOMENTS I'LL NEVER FORGET:
- Out of body experience
- It really was just so surreal. I almost felt as though I could see myself outside of myself throughout this whole process.
- Nice private room
- This is something I wasn't expecting. I felt very pampered.
- Time stopped life began
- It was like a huge BOOM! (if you've given birth, maybe you can understand). It all just hit me in the face all at once. THIS IS LIFE!!!
- No crying very zen
- Like I said, he didn't really cry at all. Still doesn't. He whimpered a bit, but was very zen through it all.
- Cord stopped pulsating and mom cut
- Grandma did the honors.
- Didn't go as planned, but went just as he planned
- He's the boss now!!
- Hard and amazing and wonderful
- I would do it all over again in a heart beat
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